Moving Forward

This is a repost from Creation Calls Out just last week. In the process of moving away from that site, I may move a few old posts this way. In this case, it’s part of why this site is here and where we are going.

My name is Caedmon. I’m an alcoholic and addict.

Five years ago, I knew I had a serious problem. I had tried to fix it on my own, but the problem was bigger than me. I knew I was lost and no simple solution was going to make it go away. In the summer of 2005, I posted a prayer request asking God to take some drastic steps. He did. In January, 2006, I began handing my web design clients off to others. Then, in July, 2006, I sent a short email to a few close friends and disappeared from public life.

The details of the next couple years will remain in the past. Where I was and what I did aren’t important. I spent two years in complete brokenness, hearing the word of God, praying, being restored. By 2008, I knew I had been transformed – renewed by the persistent love and grace of God. Life was no longer hopeless. I no longer fell asleep at night wishing I could drift off into eternity without ever waking up. I knew I was loved. I knew with the power and friendship of Jesus, I could face the day ahead of me. I knew Jesus had overcome what I could not. I knew battling addiction would remain a daily regimen of thanking Jesus for yesterday’s help and asking for today’s. I knew the daily asking of grace was not something to move beyond or be ashamed of, but was the real presence of daily working out my salvation.

What I did not know was where this new life would take me. Prior to 2005, I was a pastor. I held an undergraduate degree in Biblical Studies and was completing a graduate degree in Pastoral Studies. Being a pastor was part of what held me together. Knowing the brokenness of my addiction, I believed if I could just be good enough – if I could do enough good work for God – maybe God would have pity on me and accept me in spite of my sin. Brokenness – the admitting of my guilt and the receiving of God’s love – changed everything. I no longer need to be a pastor to know I am loved and valued by God. I no longer need it to give my life purpose or to be okay with myself when I look in the mirror. God provides all that I need.

It’s a good thing I don’t need to be a pastor to be okay with myself, because addiction and brokenness disqualify me from the role – or so I thought two years ago. I believed once people knew the things I had done in the past, once they knew I was ‘tainted goods,’ once they knew how far I had fallen, I would be no good to them. I believed the depth of my depravity barred me from proclaiming the good news of Jesus to others. I know now just how ridiculous that belief is, yet it is a belief communicated strongly both by our American culture and much of the Christian church.

I have come to learn two things. First, while there is nothing glorious about sin or addiction and there is nothing at all good about what I have done, it is only by the good work Jesus completed on the cross and the good work his love has done in repairing my self, that I have any ability to proclaim his good news! It is because I recognize my depravity and intimately know Jesus’ ability to overcome and heal that I can speak with confidence his desire to do the same for you.

Second, as much as I know I am a “new creation in Christ,” I can see that the new creation was always there, covered by a veil of darkness. Removing the old and putting on the new is less like flipping a light switch and more like pulling aside a curtain to reveal what always existed. The love I have for my neighbor is not new. It was always there. The ecstasy of knowing Jesus is not new. It was always there. The calling to speak the kingdom message of Jesus is not new. It was always there.

Those of you who have known me throughout this process are likely chuckling a little on the inside. Prepare yourselves; the irony is coming to a point.

I am a pastor. There’s no getting around it. As much as I wish I could toss the label, it’s too accurate to dismiss. My heart is urban missions. My desire is to speak the kingdom of God and in so doing see the oppressed set free. My charism (vocation) involves speaking the kingdom through acts of mercy, preaching, music, and writing. Along side the vocation, I am returning to web design, with a priority for helping churches and missional organizations use contemporary media as applicable to their particular missions. (Those who know me from the beforetime know just how familiar this sounds.)

I am in school with I have one year to go in finishing an M.Div. School is a piece of the overall vocation and an immediate priority, meaning some of the vocational acts implied above will be put into place slowly and patiently. I will be working on a couple websites, but am not hanging up a shingle as a web designer. I will be writing, but will not be seeking publication (Not this month, at least.).

I began blogging on a site titled “The Sakamuyo Log.” Sakamuyo grew out of a personal blog into a community of misfit preachers, then stalled as God led me through the wilderness. Sakamuyo – the community and the place – remains an integral piece of the vision God has given.

Change happens, yet so much remains the same. Glory be to the Father, to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, who was, who is, and who is to come. Amen.